We used to tease her about her white skin,
Called her "Casper," and "Ghost."
But from a very young age, the urge to protect her was very strong.
Just as it was with Laura.
Oh, I'd tease, but God help anyone else who dared.
And now I couldn't protect her from this, because she was doing it to HERSELF. Even though I had dabbled in self-injury a bit myself, mine was never on the scale hers grew to.
Something about the idea that self-injury, to an outsider, seems to bypass the self-preservation urge is scary.
I would catch a glimpse of a wound beginning to heal. So red. Such a vivid contrast to her fair skin. I cried when I saw it, which only made her more uncomfortable, more anxious to hide it. So I learned to cry later. We all did.
She'd go to her room and lock the door, and turn on her loud music and we'd hear things slamming around. And it was confusing because we never knew what, if anything, we had done to cause it. We walked on eggshells for years and it made no difference. And my sunny, happy sister, who loved to make up songs and terribly bad jokes was gone. A sullen girl who screamed and cried and tore at her own skin was in her place, and I was confused.
And guilty.
Because once when she was around five I was teasing her. I told her she was adopted, that Mom and Dad had found her in a garbage can. I cry now, reading that.
Teasing can sometimes be a code word for cruelty. I wish I had known then what damage my words caused. She says she doesn't remember me saying that, but echoes of my words have come back at different times.
Once when she was crying uncontrollably: "I don't belong in this family! I'm not good enough!"
Once in a then-rare moment when we were sitting together on the couch, her head on my shoulder, "I feel like garbage. Like I should just be thrown out with the garbage."
If you're reading this now, I'm so sorry. Did my cruel words make you cut?
The years of hiding knives and locking up our bathroom razors are gone now. Your scars are fading, and the sunny happy sister is back most days. The pale skin that makes you burn so easily also makes a brilliant canvas for the tattoos which express your creativity and personality. Bright flowers and birds on your skin is a welcome change from cuts and scratches.
I'm so, SO proud of you. It's taken such strength to get to where you are. Be proud. I love you.
